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when i was about 14 i took my brand new christmas present guitar to a new year's eve party at a friend's house. getting out of the car i slipped on the ice in my brand new christmas present suede boots and smashed the guitar in half. suitably mortified, i decided to drown my sorrows and drank all the booze at the party (a quarter bottle of scotch, which i glugged it like it was ginger beer). i was then dragged to a "grown-up party" where we were to meet my friend's mum who was taking us home where i spectacularly threw up all over their brand new full size snooker table. then in the car. then in my mate's bed. then under the bed... etc.

when i was about 21 i was living at my parent's house, working in the local pub which was opposite a large hospital. nights would often end in messy lock-ins and drunken parties at the nurse's accomodation. at one such party i decided that i must drive the 500 metres back to my mum's house to get a record (can't remember what) so i asked to borrow my mate's car keys. i was shitfaced and trying reckless handbrake turns on the wet and dessrted streets. until i smashed at not inconsiderable speed into a solid wooden bollard, stoving in the front of the car and pitching myself through the windsceen. although i was somewhat sore and at least one of the front wheels was pointing 90 degrees in the wrong direction, i got back in, started her up and limped it back to my mum's picked up the record, got back in the car and clanked it back to the hospital. i walked in to apologise to my mate only to find him with nurse louise giving him a blow-job. i handed him the keys, told him i was sorry but that i'd wrecked his car and walked out. he appeared 5 minutes later tellimg me not to worry about it. god bless that nurse.

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Back off Warchild, seriously.

http://elvers.bandcamp.com/

Fortunately these days my constitution is cast iron but in my youth I had a few messy bottomed accidents. The worst was when I was utterly trolleyed and stumbling home the three miles from Bournemouth. I only had about a quarter of a mile to go when the urge to poo grew too strong and I started to run. Bad move. The motion hit my bowels and it decided it was time for it to get moving too. Whilst sprinting along I remembered seeing new municipal toilets on the route but as I just got within the last few strides of reaching them I soiled my own strides. I stumbled into the toilets. All was fresh and clean in there. It was as if they'd never been used. Indeed they hadn't and there was no lighting whatsoever. Quite why they were unlocked is unclear but anyway I was stumbling around in the pitch black trying to find the cubicle with a pony the size of a baby's arm down the seat of my scuddies.

Eventually I found a trap and waddled in. Unfortunately in the darkness I dropped my trousers and in attempting to steer the log into the toilet bowl I missed and it fell on the floor. I then unsurprisingly trod on it as I attempted to get out of the cubicle, treading it all the way out the door. I had to go home and chuck my clothes away - a monumentally unfortunate thing to have to do, as a poor student dressed in his best scoring trousers...

I have a good anecdote from only last week; more a collection of drunken f**k ups, really.

My company had a free bar thing going for in some place in Soho. I biked my way up their from work (Chelsea) as it was halfway home (Islington). Left my bike there at went on the lash from about midday. Later on, I hear my old friend from Brighton in town so get a cab up to Camden to see him. Now seriously hammered. A few more beers in Camden, end up getting in a real handbags fracas with my “pal” over something far too embarrassing and insignificant to go into. Go over to my g/f house, waking her up at about 3am...

I’m woken up by her about 6am to find myself pissing in the corner of her room on her really-quite-flash flatscreen TV. Woke up in the morning to find the f**ker doesn’t work. *kerching* owe her £500

I then tube it into Soho to pick up my scooter. Wondering around all those little streets with a huge hangover and conclude that the f**ker has been stolen. Phone police, then find my scooter on the very next street...

Ride to work with raging hangover trying to avoid cops because A) I’m probablyu still over the limit and B) I’m technically driving a stolen vehicle..

Get to work. 1.5 hours late for 6 months appraisal meeting

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

I got really drunk and ended up having an orgy with these:

ah drunkenfun. don't think i've done anything TOO stupid besides random boys, coming home with traffic cones and stuff. oh, ive woken up in my own vomit, twice. i also once got beaten up in a club and was too pissed to raise my arm to defend myself. classy.

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http://www.myspace.com/karenind - wants to be the most popular lizard in the world!!

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Pukka Pie pest

Embrace the margin
Always Changing at Retford http://sptxx.tumblr.com/
Not Changing at Retford http://sptxx2.tumblr.com/

gawd bless blacked our restaurant windows! heh heh...

it's comforting to hear everybody's memories


i went to see a band that i love/know out of london town, stayed in the same hotel, got pretty pissed before the show, got the lift by myself from the top floor so let our the biggest fart in the whole world in peace. the lift stopped at the next door and the bass player got in with a load of friends, family. the lift was gassed and there was no dog to blame. he was grinning. there was nowhere to put my face all the (what seemed like hour long) way down.

another time i tried walking into a venue one night with my shades on. was so cool that i fell down the steps to the dance floor. yeah, that cool.

...or falling out of one of them posh boxes at royal albert hall onto some cast members from east enders having tried to swipe a bottle of red wine while intoxicated... classy

...going to some party with long trestle tables and falling over onto one with a friend and bringing them all down domino style and finding the head of a big company that it would have been professional to behave in front of, helping us up

...getting my knockers out and waving them about at somebody - because i thought it was dark enough for no other people to see.

wrong.

...and...

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http://www.musictouristboard.co.uk

Persistantly calling Steve Diggle Pete Shelley to his face everytime I bump into him, up until the point where he said....look Jim, this is getting a bit silly , I am Steve Diggle...the other one.....
Did I feel a cunt...yes I did!


Many many other things too....

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.