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I currently live with an American woman who divides her time between film making in NY and workin for the Met Police, a ninja loving lady DJ, a researcher into Turtles habits, an Australian morris dancer and an Italian/Welsh biker. Not a word of that is made up and I don't think we have fallen out once, mostly because the local is open from 7am to 3am (with The Marathon, Pol for later drinks) and we all like to drink out own body weights at least once a week.

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Life is what happens when you are busy making plans - John Winston Lennon

I may have alzheimers but atleast I don't have alzheimers - ?

Teasy, as someone who is actually making a film involving the Met police, could you send her my way?

I once lived with a bloke who not only wanted to pay less at an all you can eat buffet because he ate less than the rest of us (?) but also once assembled his own homemade blow up doll on my kitchen table. Never found out what he was using the tampax for either. Unfortunately I was skint and needed his contributions to the rent.

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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Ah this takes me back to me first houseshare... I moved to London when I was 21 and ended up in this house of nice unemployed folk in Plaistow... all the rooms were sorted out by the landlord though and he moved this Dutch guy in... a "glamour photographer"/teacher or so he claimed...

Anyway, the first week he moved in I sensed he was odd as fuck. I was sitting watching TV with him and he turned round and said "'ere my mate's gonna pick me up some viagra at the weekend... you want some?" Rather dumbfounded that he'd dived straight in with an offer to help out my sexual performance I was like, "heh, nah you're alright mate...". Then a week later he was like "hey Adam you should've taken me up on that offer of viagra... it's awesome stuff" and my housemate Tony went "but... how do you know, you haven't brought a bird back with you have you?" and he was like "nah... I just took some and sat in me room... it's good stuff". Heh, I can just imagine him now sitting in his room with a 'king great lob on for 12 hours watching telly...

His behaviour became more and more erratic. He used to lock himself in his room for hours... God knows what he was doing. One night he was kept awake by the washing machine and instead of coming down and telling us to turn it off he stormed in from work the next day and confronted me and the lovely Meryam (wouldn't hurt a soul bless her) with, "who the FUCK kept me awake with the washing machine last night? Oi, YOU, if that EVER happens again I will come down and smash your FUCKING head in with a baseball bat... I've got one in me room. What I'll do is I'll drive some fucking nails into it, I'll come down here and smash both of your heads to fucking PIECES. I'll go to jail for it, I don't care, I'll go to FUCKING jail for it... if you leave that thing on at night again I will smash your head in..." For about half an hour. Needless to say I shat myself... he was terrifying.

I moved out soon after but in the weeks it took me to find my current gaff he said we were trying to poison him by pouring salt in his food when he wasn't looking... He also claimed we were shrinking his jeans and that he'd call the police... Maaaan he was fucking WEIRD! All he talked about was prostitutes as well... I wouldn't be surprised if he's now in jail the poor sod.

But I escaped (seriously, those weeks were horrible... once I was nearly in tears on me way home from work I was so scared of him) to Hackney and am now living with 3 nice chaps... one of whom sends me daily haiku's... he's odd, sure, but in an endearing way...

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Pukka Pie pest

Embrace the margin
Always Changing at Retford http://sptxx.tumblr.com/
Not Changing at Retford http://sptxx2.tumblr.com/

ah the first flatshare. i moved to a shared terrace house just off upper clapton road in hackney when i was a nervous 19 year old. when i moved in there was the barnsley vampire in the box room at the top. pale, lank haired goth kid with a penchant for warhammer and the music of manowar. he never hurt anyone but used to sit up all night playing fantasy video games and baring his filed down "fangs". then there was the beautiful shaven headed german photographer (later my girlfriend of 2 years). there was also a reclusive finnish woman who i never ever saw the entire time i lived there. she cooked in her room and never entered the communal kitchen-with-a-rescued-off-the-street-sofa-in-it (much like bov' described). the ground floor was inhabited by thor, a norwegian dunce who dropped his linda mccartney dinner on the floor pretty regularly and then stood there giggling at it. he was swiftly replaced by a parnoid schitzophrenic motorcycle courier who hulked out and started smashing the place up one day after accusing us of putting sugar in his petrol tank (another parallel - this time with westie's nutter). i lived in the dug-out basement down some rickety wooden stairs with french doors that opened out onto steps up to a brilliantly overgrown garden. i loved that place.

i've been in my current place nearly 5 years now. when i moved in it was 4 girls and me and remained that way for quite some time. we currently have:

a very hot volley ball playing french marine engineer who i have an uncontrollable crush on.

a hoplessly depressed and reclusive girl who does IT in the city. she hasn't been the same since she found out that not only was her boyfriend married... but that he'd got married and had a child with someone else while they were going out. how we laughed! it used to get a bit eastenders when the wife figured this out and started hammering on our door at 6 in the morning. great fun.

a pretentious self-employed interior designer (can't complain really as we now have a hoplessly out of place "designer" bathroom in our crumbling victorian rectory).

and a frelance journalist for women's magazines like cosmopolitan and part time "sandy" from grease! most weeks i'll turn down several offers of cash to reveal my private parts or darkest sexual secrets in some woman's magazine or other.

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Back off Warchild, seriously.

http://elvers.bandcamp.com/

I think the makers of Big Brother should gather all these deviant flatmates of yours together for the next series. There'd be fireworks aplenty, methinks. And probably a few televised deaths.

I moved to London straight from the sleepy backwaters of Bridgnorth and wasn't quite prepared for the freakshow of flatmates that I'd experience in sunny Tower Hamlets. Aside from our landlord looking like a compacted Steven Seagal, and a Finnish guy who liked women to 'dominate him', I shared the place with a regular sleepwalker who once managed to sleepwalk into my mate's room and piss all over him. On another occasion, at about 2am, we found him sleepwalking into the bedroom of our new flatmate, Joanne - stark bollock naked. He was standing over her, tackle out, before he luckily had a change of heart and headed back to his room.

Oh, and we found a grim reaper costume in the attic, complete with scythe and paper mache skull-head. I shit you not.

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The only true knowledge is in knowing that you know nothing.

A mate of mine lived with this dude a couple of years back who we all called 'Animal'... 'cos he was fucking weird and never left his room... anyway, one night we went back to his and got hammered. Turned out 'Animal' was away so we snuck into his room to see what was in there... three items of note were a sweaty gimp mask, a book called The Rubber Prison and, I shit ye not, about a dozen 2-litre Coke bottles full to the brim with his own piss.

He moved out soon after.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

A flatmate I once had, pissed in a jug next to his bed. The toilet was practically next to his room the lazy bastard so next time he went on holiday I pissed in his jug and left the room nicely and tightly locked. He gagged on the smell when he returned two weeks later the fuckwit. Needless to say I had to get rid of him in the end as he still didn't get the hint.

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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Pukka Pie pest

Embrace the margin
Always Changing at Retford http://sptxx.tumblr.com/
Not Changing at Retford http://sptxx2.tumblr.com/

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

Oh dear. Now I know why i've never had a flat mate, apart from the present one whose only crime is to offer you a cup of coffee and then completely forget about it so that you end up making it instead (after nearly dying of thirst) Tut tut Some of these stories are quite simply frightening. It must be awful to live with people who you can't abide. I have to share sleeper compartments with people for one night and i'm climbing the walls. I do feel sometimes though that I missed out by living on my own.

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Back off Warchild, seriously.

http://elvers.bandcamp.com/

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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