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In a parallel world there are festivals that are going on that are far more interesting than the existing ones. So using an example Wurzel just sent me:

Glasnostbury – Michael Eavis reads aloud declassified information on Soviet atrocities, accompanied by Marcus Mumford on banjo.

Any more?

Undietrucks

Fey girls in lingerie sing about unrequited love and daisies from the back of a flatbed museum in Shropshire

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Lovebox Weekender – irresistible and intimate “private show” from inside a temporary chalet in Victoria Park…with Mick Hucknall, Tony Hadley and Bill Wyman.

Fop Farm

Assorted beaus and dandies ponce around with cellos and violas before a gathering of disinterested haircuts from Saint Martins College.

FTP - massive upload festival. Book your chalet for Pontins, Ullapool now!

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Toemad

The premier musical event for chiropodists and foot fetishists. Features Ozzy Osbourne sporting corn plasters.

Hate Parade

"Killer" Techno beats made by those who loathe themselves and who wanna kill everybody!

I'm there!

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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I've been tryna think of another 'hilarious' alternative festival, but just can't shake-off how glorious Undietrucks would actually be in reality. Someone slap me!

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Platitude - 'nuff said

The Big Chill - for groups of 30 an 40 somethings who kill one of their number on the first evening then spend the rest of the time getting maudlin in the bar about missing them and copping off with one another for grief shags.

Trunk - Pete Doherty is convinced to play a guerilla gig in a large packing case, which is quickly locked and thrown in a nearby lake.

The End of the Spode - lots of people gather in a field and smash up posh china.

Yes, yes, it has been one of those weeks...

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Pukka Pie pest

Embrace the margin
Always Changing at Retford http://sptxx.tumblr.com/
Not Changing at Retford http://sptxx2.tumblr.com/

Hard Rock Mauling - Phil Collins & Brandon Flowers stoned to death in Hyde Park.

The Great Escape - Bands perform inside a recreated Stalag Luft III, with spectators forced to tunnel their way out. 50 are shot before reaching Brighton station.

All Tomorrow's Smarties - tweepop event at a Nestle factory.

Lassitude - everyone lounges around having a kip in their tent instead of turning up to see half-arsed mini-sets by J Mascis and the Mary Chain that drift off into nothing

V - all bands reveal themselves to be lizards and enslave the audience. Featuring the David Icke Tent in which a man in a turquoise tracksuit sits smugly on stage saying "See? See? I told you". Catering by Rats-r-Us.

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Pukka Pie pest

Embrace the margin
Always Changing at Retford http://sptxx.tumblr.com/
Not Changing at Retford http://sptxx2.tumblr.com/

Woodstock - Badly Drawn Bird headlines, making strange noises while a beagle dressed as the Red Barron flies a wooden hutch overhead. Now THAT's psychadelic!

Isle of Trite - From the top of Mt Boniface Sting repeatedly recites the lyrics to Russians for three solid days while wanking himself off with the Tibetan Book of the Dead.

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Reason and rationality may be pursuing us, but we are faster.
Wittgenstein Blog: http://lwpi.blogspot.com/

Truk - the Bennett brothers take their flatbed trailer to a South Pacific atoll only for the place to sink when the Magic Numbers take the stage.

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Alas, not actually Gryff Rhys Jones...

"Little Jack Horner sitting on the corner
With no shoes and clothes
This aint funny, but he took his money
And sniffed it up his nose"

Isle of Shite Festival

Sting headlines a festival dedicated to some of the worst acts known to man. Also features Kasabian, Razorlight, Keane, Mariah Carey and Joanna Newsom. Once all attendees are on the Isle the ferry linking it to the mainland is set alight and sunk.

Westival - Westie from fame treats a bunch of west facing people on the West Coast to a mammoth 2 day rendition of Go West, occasionally joined on backing vocals by Kanye West via satallite link from West Ham.

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

Mr T In the Park is cancelled when the host stays in the US, telling the promoters “I ain’t getting on no plane, sucker.”

Tapas-tree: people go to a field in Hertfordshire to see the Magic Numbers eating Spanish delicacies on the branches of an oak tree, serenaded by Circulus.

_________________
Alas, not actually Gryff Rhys Jones...

"Little Jack Horner sitting on the corner
With no shoes and clothes
This aint funny, but he took his money
And sniffed it up his nose"